September 4-10

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Paul had a deep testimony of how the Lord had saved him. When he preached about grace and personal lowliness, it was sincere and therefore, full of power. Paul knew reality; he knew his true status, and I believe that it was his testimony about this specific aspect (a deep reliance on grace) that gave Paul such power.

1 Corinthians 15:9-10

9 For I am the least of the apostles, that am not meet to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God.

10 But by the grace of God I am what I am: and his grace which was bestowed upon me was not in vain; but I laboured more abundantly than they all: yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me.

Paul describes himself as the least of the apostles because of his past. He declares that grace has made him what he is. He speaks of how abundantly he has labored but corrects himself; the grace of God did it. It is Paul’s knowledge of his limited power that made him powerful; knowing his own weakness, Paul was able to tap into the power of God and be utilized. 

Our labor may look different than Paul’s. In fact, I would probably be shocked if your labor looked similar to Paul’s unless you’re serving as a full-time missionary right now. However, even if your daily labor or calling may seem like the “least,” grace can turn any skill or calling into something powerful that builds the kingdom of God.

If we want to contribute in the ways that Paul contributed, we need to learn our dependence on grace to the same extent that Paul has learned. Because everyone is so different, I cannot say how you will be able to learn this principle deep in your heart. Maybe it will come through trial or a calling, but it is a principle and conviction worth investing in. 

An appreciation

Though it is not really explicitly said, sometimes I think it is the person who has jumped off the deep end previously that tends to feel their dependence on grace more readily. The person who is battling addiction or temptation, who has made deep mistakes, or who has lived without the gospel is oftentimes the person who feels this principle; it is often apparent in their testimonies. It also makes sense; it is simply easier to feel appreciation for what you have when you have spent part of your life living without it. I do not often think about the fact that I have readily available fresh water simply because it’s always just been there.

So it was “easy” for Paul to learn his dependence on the Savior, at least in the sense that Paul was given a clear taste of what he actually deserved. He had lived without it and had made some serious mistakes that required a healing power he did not innately possess. But there are others who have had the gospel their entire lives. They were raised in homes where the gospel was taught and lived; they were shielded from a lot of life’s miseries by standards and commandments. What of them? 

Though it is logically easier to appreciate something you’ve lived without, I sincerely believe that it is possible for a person to gain the same conviction of grace-dependence no matter how closely they’ve been able to stay on the path. 

My own experience

Whether you feel like you’ve grasped this concept well or not, these suggestions apply to all. I don’t think any of us truly understand the depth of our reliance on His grace, and so we can all work to develop a deeper awareness of it. 

I’m obviously not going to tell you to go out and commit serious offenses against God, so what are some of our other options here? There are likely millions of individual paths that lead to this conviction, but I can really only speak of my own experience and hopefully you’ll find principles you can apply. 

When I first started feeling the promptings to start a blog, I cringed away from it. I have always had a propensity for vanity. I like people to think I’m clever and spiritual, and this blog felt like I was fanning the flames of those temptations. I knew that if things ever became “successful,” I would feel those familiar tugs of pride. However, the feeling that I needed to do the blog never fully went away. It only became more intense. 

And so I spoke to the Lord about it. I told Him that I would try, but I told Him that it was His job to keep me in check. I was trying to avoid temptation and here He was, waving it around in my face. I would need Him to keep me humble. 

He has done a fantastic job delivering, let me tell you…all along the process of seeking revelation and attempting to write, He has made it wildly apparent that this goes nowhere without Him. If I don’t put in spiritual effort during my prayer, pleading for Him to help, I come up blank. If I don’t pray before filming one of my videos, I am tongue-tied and speak in circles (I still kinda do that, but we’re working on it). I can sit in front of a computer for hours collectively (heaven knows having kids would prevent me from ever doing it at one time), and it will go nowhere. 

I think one of the most dramatic examples of this happened back when we were living in the hotel. I was desperately trying to stay on top of my posting schedule. I was ignoring Evelyn during naptime and giving up my evenings with Conner because I was so afraid that if I didn’t sacrifice myself, it would never get done. I had greatly overestimated my actual role in the process of sharing the gospel.

The Lord tried telling me numerous times to slow down. He tried telling me to step away from my laptop and play with my daughter. He prompted me to enjoy my evenings and even take an occasional nap, but I was stubborn and frustrated and convinced that if I simply worked hard enough, the posts would get done and then I could enjoy the rest of my week, but He was trying to teach me that my posts did not come about because I worked hard enough and that I needed to trust Him to do His own work. 

For the majority of my blogging career, I would finish writing by Wednesday and film Thursday. This would allow me to rest on Friday and Saturday before beginning again Sunday, but during my time at the hotel, I started getting obsessive. I wanted to finish quicker so I could enjoy more time off. The Lord responded by helping me finish everything on Friday instead. I would work so hard, pushing myself and driving myself crazy with stress trying to get it all done, but nothing would come. I couldn’t write a single word that felt right. And then every Friday, during the two hour time window of my kids napping, He would help me to write the entire post, get it prepped, and film it. This was also nearly unheard of, but this went on for months. I’d stress so hard all week, and then everything would come together miraculously on Friday. It was like I could hear Him saying to me, “We’re going to keep doing this until you figure out that you don’t have to kill yourself; I will give you the post when I want to give you the post.”

Out of sheer exhaustion, I finally gave up. I threw up my hands and surrendered. I essentially told Him, “Fine. I will stop obsessing over this, but if the post doesn’t get done on time, it’s not my fault.” Every day at the beginning of nap time, I would study my scriptures. If nothing was particularly forthcoming, I would close them for the day, play with Evelyn, and nap. Sure enough, the pattern continued despite the fact that I was no longer sacrificing myself needlessly. Every Friday, the words would start to flow quickly and I could get the filming done in one take.

What I learned from this process

I learned a couple things from this experience.

The first thing I learned is what Paul learned. I’m not the one who does the work. If I were, I would have completed “my” work way faster in the week. I would have logically been able to complete everything sooner because I was sacrificing everything to do it. Despite my stubbornness throughout this learning process, I could feel the Spirit pulling at the back of my mind, trying to teach me that I could not force the process no matter how badly I wanted to. Because it’s not my process. I can do nothing until He’s ready to come work in His timing.

The second thing I learned is that we can pray to have our eyes opened. In hindsight, I look back and feel very strongly that this entire experience was a result of my prayers in the beginning. I had asked the Lord to help me remember that I wasn’t all that great. I wanted to give Him the glory, but I also knew I needed Him to check me frequently if I were going to be able to do that. He has done this frequently. I don’t have to try and force myself to give the glory to Him because He has made it very apparent that it belongs to Him. I believe that’s because I prayed for Him to do so. Pray to have your eyes opened to your reliance on grace.

And lastly, I learned my role in the process: diligence. There will be times when the Lord needs me to sacrifice more so that I can learn something more or because He wants to send extra blessings, but He will guide me about what level of sacrifice is appropriate. There have been times when I have felt a need to give up more free time, but there have been a million times that He has actually asked me to let go of my obsessing, focus on my family, and rest with the testimony that He is very capable of helping me balance everything and get the truly important things done. 

I know that I am His greatest work. His children are His most important work. His end goal isn’t efficient church programs and well-written blog posts. His end goal is to change me and His other children. Through the process of seeking revelation and writing, I have learned how He accomplishes the work of building His children. I pray for help and continue on being diligent, and when His timing lines up, His grace does the work. I am grateful that He has used this process to change me and make my life so much more peaceful. Though I still sometimes fall into traps of pride and stress, He is right there to remind me how this life actually works. I am grateful for His ability to change me as well as His coaching me through the process.