September 11-17

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I really like Paul. I like his openness and honesty. I like that he speaks with nothing to hide. When I read Paul’s writings, I see a man that truly has come unto Christ. And because he has come unto Christ, he is not afraid of his own weakness or others knowing of his weakness. He does not fear that people will reject him because he’s too busy loving them. He has integrity, and as he stands before God and others in the next life, he won’t be ashamed of what he is because he has already made peace with himself through the atonement. 

Though it is sincere and from a good place, sometimes Paul’s honesty is hard for others to swallow. In society, people who are peacemakers and don’t make waves are often the most appreciated. While making peace and holding our tongues can be appropriate in different situations, Paul’s tendency towards transparency can hold great merit if one chooses to appreciate it. 

Paul hurt some feelings when he was direct with the Corinthians and some of their problems. When he became aware of the situation, he responded with the following.

2 Corinthians 2:4 For out of much affliction and anguish of heart I wrote unto you with many tears; not that ye should be grieved, but that ye might know the love which I have more abundantly unto you.

Paul had been direct with them because he loved them. I could sit and talk about Paul for a while. We could talk about how to approach those who are hurting themselves, but today I actually want to focus on the response of the receiver.

How we respond to criticism is a fantastic litmus test of conversion. As we explore this “litmus test,” I want to make it abundantly clear that we shouldn’t beat ourselves up about the results if we’re not where we want to be. Rather, it can help us understand where we’re at so we can choose to progress on purpose. 

The response

When I speak about our response to criticism, I mean our knee-jerk reaction. When someone disagrees with what you chose to do or how you chose to do it (REGARDLESS OF WHETHER THEY’RE WRONG ABOUT IT), how do we respond immediately? Where do our feelings go? Embarrassment? Anger? Defensiveness? 

Let’s say you’re called on to give a talk in sacrament meeting. You feel very impressed to share a personal story that taught you about the principle you’re supposed to speak about. You don’t even necessarily have a desire to share this story; it’s vulnerable. However, you feel prompted to do so, and you follow that prompting.

You were super nervous, but after your talk, you felt the Spirit very strongly. Heavenly Father was proud of you for being brave and sharing. Later on during gospel doctrine, you’re sitting behind a couple of people who don’t notice you’re there. One of them is criticizing your talk, specifically the part where you shared a personal story. They felt it was inappropriate, and it seemed like you were just trying to get attention.

How do you feel?

I want to make two things very clear. Let me first say that it’s perfectly appropriate for this comment to sting a bit. You can simultaneously feel love for someone and still feel hurt by their words. In fact, if you love them, it often hurts more. Secondly, I want to make sure we’re observing our feelings and not our actions. Sometimes it’s appropriate to defend yourself, and other times it’s appropriate to just let it be. What really matters is where your heart is as you respond. A person can defend themselves rather loudly and have their hearts in a completely appropriate place; another person can “choose to be the bigger person” and not say anything but continue to harbor feelings of resentment for a long time.

How do you feel and what do your feelings say about your conversion?

Reading the litmus test

If you know you have a tendency towards embarrassment, anger, or defensiveness, then it is likely that you’re allowing Satan to hurt you more than you need to. It may seem cruel to say that to somebody. Someone just tore apart your talk, and I’m telling you that Satan is affecting you. BUT. Like Paul, I say it from a place of love. I know what it’s like to feel extremely threatened by criticism, and I know that there’s a better way to live. Do I always choose to live that way? No, but at least I’m aware of it now, and I’m working towards it.

The reality is this: there will always be somebody to tear you down. There will always be someone who corrects you, whether that’s from a place of pride or love. There will always be someone somewhere who disagrees with how you chose to handle something.

So rather than trying to avoid criticism, let’s change how we feel about it. Then, when it inevitably comes, we can remain peaceful.

Now, I said that our response to criticism is a good litmus test for conversion. Here is what I mean by that: when you have a testimony of Christ and a relationship with Him (gotta have both), you will find peace. When you know who you are, who you will become, the purpose of weaknesses, your Savior’s ability and desire to exalt you through those weaknesses, you will find peace.

If you have regularly partaken of His love for you, it can fill you to the point where you don’t need it elsewhere. When you know that faults are necessary to exaltation, they become less embarrassing and vulnerable. When you know what awaits you on the other side, then you know that your integrity (not your mistakes) is what matters. Your mistakes don’t throw you into a pit of despair because you know that the Lord knows where your heart is, and you guys are on the same page.

If you find that you feel defensive or embarrassed, now is a great time to practice coming to terms with your weaknesses. If my kid came to me and said, “Mom, I feel so angry at so-and-so, but I don’t want to feel angry,” I would be thrilled. I know Heavenly Father feels the same way. He gave you your weaknesses for crying out loud; He put you here in the fallen world. He’s not mad at you for having flaws, so go to Him! Your weaknesses do not bother Him. What truly matters to Heavenly Father is how you respond to those weaknesses. If you go to Him in those moments of weakness, they will eventually cease bothering you. I don’t mean that they will necessarily go away in this life, but if you continually turn to the Lord in your weaknesses, you will have such positive interactions with Him that you will stop caring about them because you know He doesn’t really care about them. Those flaws will eventually cease, but in the meantime, they will be some of the very things that exalt you.

Improving our response

So how do we improve our response? How do we get to the point where we feel at peace even if someone disagrees with how we approached a task? There are many answers to this question. There are many ways to develop that really close relationship with Christ, but let’s talk about it in this very specific context.

I believe that much of the reason we find embarrassment and anger from flaws is because we have inherited society’s view of flaws. Satan tempts us to hide our flaws, and we start to ascribe to that philosophy. We try to banish flaws in our children and get angry at them when they make mistakes (and not just spilling milk but hitting someone). We are raised in an environment where flaws are to be avoided and vanquished, and so our reactions to the flaws of others often comes in the form of impatience, judgment, and exasperation. 

When you approach your Heavenly Father to talk about your weaknesses, you cannot give Him human qualities. Oftentimes, our ability to feel loved and secure amongst family and community here on earth gives us our first tastes of what God must feel like. The problem is that God is so much better and higher than humans. If you are approaching Him for help, He will not respond in human ways. He will respond as a perfectly loving Heavenly Father with eternal perspective and a vast knowledge of the necessity of our flaws. Do not let an angry, mean voice in your head drown Him out. 

I used to do that. I think many of us have. My relationship with God changed when I chose to examine the voice in my head and distinguish it from God’s voice. They were nowhere near the same thing. If this is a difficult exercise, start small. Perhaps you don’t feel like you can hear God’s voice, but how would you respond? If a young child came to you with honesty and pleading, how would you ideally respond? How God responds is likely even better.

Approach Him. Do not approach an image you’ve created of Him based on imperfect humans. 

I know God loves me, and it is the best testimony I ever gained. I know that He does not fear my fallen, human self. Christ already paid for it so we don’t have to worry about that. I know that He adores me, and we get to have beautiful experiences together that only inspire me to want to be better.