August 24-30

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David was a good king who loved the Lord but fell. He chose to engage in very serious sin and commit adultery with Bathsheba. The real problem came when he chose to cover it up. When David brought Uriah home to be with his wife, Uriah refused in loyalty to his fellow soldiers. In response, David got even more nervous and sent Uriah to a dangerous part of the battle to have him killed. 

David spends a lot of time suppressing his own guilt until Nathan confronts him after the child is born. The fact that David doesn’t confess until after the child is born suggests that he was holding on to that guilt for 9-12 months. 

Psalm 51 was written after David is confronted by Nathan’s parable. I want to talk about 51, but I think that covering Psalm 32 as well will add to the conversation. Both psalms occurred after David was called out.

Psalm 32:3-4

3 When I kept silence, my bones waxed old through my roaring all the day long.

4 For day and night thy hand was heavy upon me: my moisture is turned into the drought of summer. 

David describes pain and groaning all day when he kept silent about his sins. He felt God’s presence as a condemnation during this time (heavy hand), and his strength was dried up like a drought. David kept on ruling as king, married to Bathsheba with no one the wiser, and it ate him up because he knew better and had loved God. 

If you continue reading in 32, it talks about how David feels so much better after confessing.

Now here is a verse in 51.

Psalm 51:6 Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom. 

The Lord desires truth in the inward parts because He knows what that does for us. He knows what a release it is. He knows that it releases a lot of suffering.

I’ve seen this in a lot of different ways in my life, but a couple come to mind specifically. 

I grew up in a very good home. All of my siblings are active and as far as I know, all of their kids are active too. My parents are good people who choose to love each other and their children. This made it very easy for me to live the gospel. I didn’t have to ask difficult questions about how my family would fit on the other side. It never occurred to me that this might present very real problems.

And because of my naivety, I believe I was rather insensitive for a long time. I thought I was just really good at the gospel, not recognizing the fact that I had never faced obstacles and been forced to build strength as a result. I think this made me self-righteous in a lot of ways. 

My mission helped with that a lot. I grew up a bit.

One of the indirect consequences of having my eyes opened was the fact that I got to look back at my choices with new eyes. And oh my goodness…cringe. I see why I lost a lot of friends growing up. I see how I was out of line. 

I’ve reached the point where I give myself grace now because I recognize that I was young and simply didn’t know better. There was no way that I could have built the depth necessary for compassion because depth hadn’t been required for me in a lot of ways.

But that grace was hard to grow into. It took me a long time to make peace with my younger self and feel okay with her. I often found myself sleepless at night because of ridiculous ways that I had acted while growing up. I felt the same way when I looked back on parts of my mission before some of that maturing had occurred. It ate at me. 

It ate at me so much that I finally started reaching out to people. Logistics made it so that I couldn’t reach out to everyone, but I reached out to some. I apologized for my part in whatever issues we had. I told them I was sorry for being young and immature and likely hurting them because of it. 

Sometimes it felt weird reaching out to people after years of no contact, but I was sick of sitting with my discomfort. 

The result was overwhelmingly positive. I connected with a lot of people who had also matured over the years. I received thanks from people who also struggled with their younger years just like I had. Despite the initial awkwardness I felt, I found kinship with many people that I thought I would never feel close to. 

I still have moments where I cringe about things I did or said, but now there is mostly just freedom and peace. It doesn’t eat at me anymore. In fact, I liked the feeling so much that I do it often and immediately now. Whenever I say something dumb or worry that I offended someone, I don’t hesitate. I simply reach out and explain myself or apologize as warranted. I’m not perfect at it, and sometimes delicate situations don’t allow for directness or freedom. But I try to do it as much as possible. 

It’s awesome. 

I think sometimes people sin and then blame God when they feel guilty and torn up about it. I believe that what’s actually occurring is the fact that they’re good people, and sin eats at them. They’re trying to find some relief from it, and so they distance themselves from God and become angry with Him.

It’s so much easier to lean into it and try to fix it instead of living with it. So much easier. 

I testify that God wants truth in the inward parts for own sake. A simple acknowledgment is going to take us a long way. I testify that the fear of facing those sins and mistakes and flaws comes from Satan because he wants us to keep living with that misery. I testify that the lightness and freedom are on the other side.